Resident Evil monsters: ranked by hotness
We're all thirsty for the newest Resident Evil villain, but how do the other monsters match up? Let's run the numbers.
Recently, the internet has been losing its mind over previews for Resident Evil: Village, the latest title in the Resident Evil series. And if you've been hiding under a rock (it's OK, it's 2021 now), it isn't because of the gameplay.
The lust for what comes next owes it all to the incredibly large and beautiful woman/vampire known as Lady Dimitrescu – undoubtedly one of the game's new villains. And it seems everyone, myself included, would quite happily let her wreck our shit.
But it raises a very important question: what other monsters in the Resident Evil series are worthy of the same levels of thirst? The answer is, a lot!
There are just a lot of weirdly attractive monsters in this series that want to destroy you – just not exactly in the way you might like, unfortunately.
Looking at the various monsters over the course of the series, and how hot they are, we’ll be taking the Harkness Test into consideration to narrow the field. That is, a monster is only truly fuckable if it has some level of sentience. This rules out your average zombie, licker, and similar, as well as a few boss monsters.
For example, we can safely say that William Birkin’s final form in Resident Evil 2, a giant fleshy mass of tentacles and blob-like qualities, is not capable of consent and therefore would be kind of weird to objectify. His first form, however, contains a basic level of sentience, and therefore, you could probably fuck it.
So, in no particular order, let’s take a look at some prime candidates...
The quintessential Resident Evil villain. Specifically bred to be a superior form of human being, although this unfortunately comes out in his attitude. Whilst entirely fuckable, would you really want to?
He is frustratingly aware of the ‘superior human’ thing and, as a result, would be really smarmy about it the whole time. While he does transform, it’s still not even that cool. He just grows some tentacles and falls into a volcano and dies. Ultimately an end as disappointing as a night with him would be after that much buildup.
6/10, maybe a 7/10: No matter how smarmy he is, he’s still pretty cool. Though looks like an absolute douche wearing sunglasses at all times. Would probably be ‘that guy’ at parties and social events, in that he’d constantly talk about himself and/or his plans for complete global saturation.
The original powerful villainess of the series, radiating with ‘step on me’ energy. She even managed to beat up Wesker, which is only another favourable point to her.
Although possibly even worse of an attitude, given that, again, she’s the product of a super-human gene project and knows exactly how smart she is. Also kind of obsessed with ants, and her blood catches on fire, so there are some hazards to keep in mind and keeping a fire-blanket nearby is kind of a mood killer. In saying that, however, she has the telepathic ability to control tentacles that are not actually attached to her, which is another huge bonus.
8/10: Might need a heavy dose of surface spray around the room beforehand because of the ants. I would gladly listen to her talk about her custom made virus, would be less inclined to stick around for her later forms though.
A more recent addition to the Resident Evil family, but still worthy of a mention. If only to say: Don’t. Look at him. Nasty swamp man whose entire deal is mold. I mean, unless you’re into that, but imagine the smell. Gross. Like mouldy cheese left to rot in a swamp mixed with redneck who didn’t bathe to begin with. No thank you!
0/10: Absolutely not. I don’t care how many forms he has or how he welcomes me to the family. Very impressive driving and busting through wall skills, however.
One of Wesker’s lackeys, and ultimately not that interesting, but strikes me as a gentleman. Although his transformation is pretty boring and could barely be classified as ‘monster’ and more of a ‘guy with big knife arm and sunburn’. This loses him a lot of points for being uninteresting and also too sharp.
Sadly, he doesn't do anything that interesting lore-wise either and is pretty much just there to expand Leon’s characterization. I can’t even really remember anything outside of his boss fight.
5/10: Pretty forgettable, someone please give him some cocoa butter for the sun burn.
James Marcus/Queen Leech
Appearing in the prequel, Resident Evil 0, it’s technically not actually James Marcus, one of the original founders of Umbrella, but a genetically modified leech that took over his brain and thinks it's Marcus.
Sure, their base form is incredibly attractive, and depending on your love of monster forms, they’re still a solid humanoid shaped monster with various tentacles. Again, a bonus, depending on your tastes.
They have a huge complex though in that they also happen to believe they’re a literal reincarnation of Jesus Christ, and also having a primary biological objective of spreading the virus, this could cause a lot of issues.
6/10: Might be more attractive after some serious therapy.
Yes. She’s wildly hot. She’s so big she can’t even fit through normal size doors. She has a big hat, which I like a lot. Her hands turn into claws. She can’t fully be classified until we know the extent of her transformations, but given everything we’ve seen so far, purely on appearance alone?
10/10: It has to be said, she’s very large, and I would let her absolutely demolish me until I was… whatever kind of zombie this game is going to have, I guess. It would be a good way to go, I’d settle for that.
Tyrants (Nemesis, Mr. X, etc.)
Grouping the basic Tyrant category here because, at the end of the day, they’re roughly all the same guy. Big, bald, really clingy, capable of saying like, two words, if any. They are very nice, and very large, but also: The clingy part is crucial because they tend to imprint on people like baby ducks and follow them around, with varying, often violent, results.
But that can be pretty cute if you’re into that. They all typically come quite well dressed, such as Mr. X and his delightful hat and coat combination, or Nemesis and his trenchcoat specifically designed to keep his insides… Inside. That proves they have a taste for both form and function.
7/10: I appreciate that they do their best and look good whilst doing it.